Friday, September 30, 2016

Hello, This Is Your Dog. Can We Talk?

Hi there, my name's Random Dog. I'm kind of all dogs; the joint consciousness of all of your furry friends. Let's call me Rover. Maybe I look like this:




Or perhaps something a bit less scary?




Or, most likely, you imagine me as a dog from your life. Just know I absolutely, and with total authority, speak for all dogs.

Now, this whole "being domesticated" thing has gone pretty well for us dogs. There's still a little wolf left in us all - show me a squirrel, and I'll show you just how much wolf DNA I've still got. I can totally take it. I won't just bark at it and then look confused. No rat with a fluffy tail is going to beat me (unless I get distracted, or you have food, or the sun is in my eyes or something).

But I digress. So the domestic thing: it's good. You give us food, which we somehow have to sit for because this pleases you. Why is your call; we assume there's a reason? Can you let us in on that sometime? Anyway, you also groom us, pet us and everything is generally great.

There is a big old 'but' coming, though. There are some things we're not so keen on. Sure, there might be some who think the things below are fine. Maybe they're reincarnated cats: who knows what those creatures are thinking.

You Shout At Us When We're Not Behaving

Look, we don't get this. We do something wrong, and you tell us off for it. Maybe that works on human kids, but it doesn't on us. Most of the time, we don't even know why we're being told off. And if you're shouting at us because we're barking, that's just... why are you even doing that? You make loud noise to tell us to stop making loud noise? It's confusing. We respond best to positive reinforcement when we're doing the stuff you do want us to do.

You Don't Think About Costs

I'm no cheap pup. I'm a member of the family, and you're going to have to spend some cash on me. If I get sick, I need you to fix it. I don't care how you do it, but you have this responsibility, and I promise I won't bite the vet. Sort out some pet insurance and all is well. I can focus on getting those squirrels now.

You Dress Us Up

Okay, one minute of a spaniel in a sombrero is hilarious. A little coat that small dogs wear when it's winter is also okay. Anything that’s for medical reasons? Sure, fine. But don't dress us up like a bee or a famous figure from history. It's uncomfortable. We don't like it - you like it. We like punishing those squirrels, which I am going to get on any minute now.

You Don't Give Us Things To Chew On

I'm a dog. I want to chew things. It makes me happy, and you have overreacted about the damage done to those shoes. No, I don't know what "vintage" means. Or "extortionately expensive". Calm down. I'm going to want to chew, and if I don't have anything, yeah, I think your shoes are a good option. Want me to chew something else? You're going to need to get me something else. Maybe a squirrel? Which I will totally get, right now. Just watch me.

... I'll do it later. Definitely.

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